Bullied to Death

When I was growing up, my parents knew all of my friends, had home and work numbers for all of their parents, knew every neighbor, and shared food and advice. If it's one thing I've learned from being PTA president the past two years, it's parents are not talking to one another enough anymore. We aren't asking each other for help or advice or knocking on a neighbor's door when we run out of flour. Somehow the perception of needing someone else has taken on a less than desirable label. But really, where would any of us be without family, friends, neighbors and our communities at large?

This lack of reaching out comes to mind with the most recent, tragic death of a young person. http://www.thebostonchannel.com/cnn-news/19141470/detail.html Carl Walker-Hoover, only 11, hanged himself after being repeatedly tormented by bullies at school. He was called gay and teased about the way he spoke. Carl complained to his mother and she called the school but admits she feels she was let down because no action was taken. Where was the person inside the school that was supposed to protect Carl? Is it a teacher? A counselor? Who is this magical person that's supposed to be there when Carl can't count on mommy? We barely have enough teachers in our schools, so should we really believe there are additional resources for kids in trouble? In this instance, who was Carl supposed to turn to? There is no mention of a father or other male figure mentor.

First, I believe it is entirely realistic to say that some parents don't know their kids outside of their home behavior. Don't misunderstand; there are some that can hear a report on the news and the name of the school and know off the top their kid was involved. Some, however, will be shocked, floored even, to find out that their precious angel Ray-Ray is a troublemaker.

Second, everything I've said ties directly back to being more involved with the parents and families of our kids. Yes, I know some parents give new meaning to why the word retard can never fully be banned. I understand that you can go to the school attempting to have a decent parent-to-parent conversation and get jumped by the other kid's family. But, the attempt has to be made. We can't rid the world of ignorant people. Kids that are afraid to identify their attackers have to be put at ease. You have to be able to tell another child's parent that their child is making yours uncomfortable.

Now comes the part I think many will disagree with. Though Carl was only 11, why were the other kids' words able to permeate what should have been a thicker wall of protection? I know even the most confident adult can sometimes worry about what others may say -- whether there is some truth in evil words. But esteem starts at home. Does bullying supersede pep talks from mommy? How much of a role does a father play in how Carl felt about himself and how he responded to the words of others (mind you we don't know whether his father was active in his life or not)? I guess my main question is why/how is persistent bullying able to result in suicide for the recipient? And why did he think suicide was his only option?

Words hurt. We all know that. Kids can be cruel. We've all been on the giving and receiving end of childhood meanness. But I can specifically remember someone's mother saying to someone else's mother that their child was being mean -- and amazingly there was no repercussion for that parent or child -- it was the offending child that got beat down! Times continue to change and while this memory for me may be 25 years old, why can't we get back to the times of helping one another? Of listening to each other, noticing someone else's child in trouble or in need?

So my questions are: what happens when your child is being bullied? What route do you take and is there a difference depending on the kid's age? Who at the school do you think should be responsible: the principal, teachers, counselors? (Note that in DC a counselor is only given to a school if that school has at least 500 students; only one school fit that category last September).